just let them think, theres no place else youd rather be . . . .

It's midnight. I.m waiting to cross the road, all of my attention, transfixed on a vivid red, golden leaf falling from a sycamore tree, floating gently towards the ground.

It's Autumn, the season of change. I can sense it, it feels mysterious, exciting! But as i continue walking, leaves crunching beneath my feet, i find myself thinking, what exactly is changing??

I don't usually do the whole new years resolution thing, but this year i made an exception. Yes, by 31st of December 2009, everything will be different. I was going to change my life completely, my general outlook, my attitude, my total defensiveness. I will be a different person by the end of the year.

I have always believed that there was some sort of plan laid out for me, and because of this, i felt sort of. . .invincible. Like no matter what came my way, i would overcome it. No matter how down or depressed i got, I'd always come out of it because that's not part of 'the plan'

but now . . .I'm not too sure. . .

It's been a difficult few weeks. Life seems to be throwing everything at me, pushing my limits simply to see where my breaking point is, and it seems that at any moment, life is about to break me.

Yes, I promised myself things would be different. But, looking out the window, I see Summer is very quickly changing to Autumn. I'm watching the leaves falling from the trees, the nights get longer, colder. The skies get quieter as the birds escape the gloom of winter.

I'm standing here, completely still, stuck . . .living the same day over and over again and again, watching everyone else around me grow and move on with their life.

The year is coming to an end and I'm not keeping any of my promises to myself.

If change is so good, why am i so afraid??

and then it rains . . . .

So I'm sitting in the cinema . .thanking god for the darkness as the tears stream down my face. . .iv become that girl.

I've changed my mind . . . .its not worth it.

thats what you get when you let your heart win . . .

As i was walking home from work today, i came across a young girl walking towards me. As she passes me i can see she is obviously crying. . . .and i cant help but imagine myself in her shoes . .and wonder . . . why??

Suddenly, I'm the girl, walking down the road, head down, trying to hide my tears and broken heart as i brush my hair back over my eyes. As i assume this is the reason for her tears, i realise how terrifying this is. . . .

To give yourself completely to someone. To willingly give them the power to hurt you more than anyone else in the world. Your heart is not yours anymore, but theirs, to do with, what they will.

But can you fully blame them when they do hurt you?? . .when you are the one who gave them the power??

I picture the girl in my mind and find myself thinking . . . .is it worth it??

i think so. . . .